Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Wow! It has been quite awhile...

What a time it has been! We've gone through many different emotions and had new and different life experiences over the last two and a half months. There have been ups and downs like we have never experienced before. Grief is a very strange animal. It can take many different forms and can have unexpected effects. Sometimes it ravages every ounce of your being, others it can snuggle you and be oddly comforting. There are times it can stop you dead in your tracks and keep you from doing anything at all, and other times it can be a great motivator. The hardest part is, that it is so unpredictable.

The holidays were extremely difficult. This is a time for family and a time where children are celebrated. It was different for our family this year. We had to find new things to fill our days and nights. And although we only had Allison for one Christmas holiday, we were able to build wonderful memories in 2008. We definitely mourned not being able to share with her again in 2009. What we did have though, was one another. Shaun and I leaned on each other for support, love, and kindness. We were able to share our happiest memories of Allison with each other and through the tears came laughter. I am extremely grateful for Shaun's love and support. We looked at each other on New Year's day and realized we had survived the holiday season...if not by the very skin of our teeth. We lived to share our experience.

In the new year, we've continued on our path of growing our marriage and working through the pain of losing our only daughter. It has yet to get easier, and what's even stranger is that as time goes on it only becomes more confusing. Why this is, I'm not sure. But in order to get past it, I must walk through it. I put one foot in front of the other and do each day as it comes. Sometimes that just means putting one foot in front of the other to get to the couch and snuggle with a movie and my favorite blanket. Other times, one step at a time means getting ready and leaving the house for a full day of errands and lunch with friends to keep my spirits up. The most important thing is allowing myself to do what I need to do to keep me living life, and just being nice to myself.

None of this is easy. Even I can't find the words to describe the emotional roller coaster. Of course there are days when I laugh(at least a little every day! :) ) and I cry a little almost everyday. It's ok. I hope that if I let the feelings hit me and I ride the wave when it comes, that it WILL get easier or at least a little softer in time. Only time will tell.....

Until next time,

Nicole - Allison's Mommy

We have some new things in the works! Come back next week to find out what it is!!! ;)

1 comment:

  1. Hi Nicole,

    You don't know me but I've been following your sweet Baby Allison's blog for some time now (I am friends with Jen Hatlestad and Julie Tavares.) Her struggle with cancer and recent loss touched me more deeply than I ever imagined. I have a 10 month old baby girl now and can only imagine the emotions you must deal with everyday. Thank you for sharing your heart with us... Your strength is inspirational!

    You're in my prayers.